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New Libertaria: Folkways, Traditions & Taboos[]

Height In The Marriage Tradition[]

In New Libertaria, height plays a role in the marriage tradition as the surname is adopted by the shorter party in the marriage. The shorter spouse will take the surname of the taller spouse and this will become the new family surname. The taking of a last name differs from the European tradition where the surname is adopted by the bride. However, in 96.3 percent of all marriages in New Libertaria, the surname is adopted by the wife as the man is usually taller.

This issue became a point of contention in the controversy surrounding the New Libertarian broadcast of the syndicated American show “South Park” when Scientology groups threatened legal action against the government for the broadcast of an episode entitled “Trapped In The Closet.” The show made numerous references to “Tom Kidman” and “Tom Holmes” which was meant to ridicule the diminutive stature of American actor Tom Cruise.[1]

One Smack Rule (One Slap Rule)[]

Ahoyidioot

Opening credits to popular television series Hey Dumbass (Ahoy, Idioot)

A social convention in New Libertaria is called the “One Smack Rule” in which an individual displaying excessive stupidity is smacked once in a very hard but deliberative manner. If any person displays excessive stupidity, an individual may approach them.

Upon approaching the individual displaying stupidity, the informal social enforcer may start an interrogative sentence with the words “Did you actually just…” and state the act of stupidity in question. Upon answering yes, the social enforcer begins counting in an audible and deliberative manner to the number five. Upon reaching five, the social enforcer delivers no more than one swift forceful strike. In the case that a man is delivering the blow to another man, a woman is delivering the blow to another woman, or a woman is striking a man, the blow must consist of an open-handed smack to the forehead or an open-handed smack to the back of the head. If the blow is being delivered by a man to a woman, the blow must be on the fleshy part of the upper arm and cannot be to the face or other parts of the body and is limited to one quick jab.

Featured Video: A scene roughly demonstrating the One Smack Rule.

It is forbidden to abuse this norm by striking multiple times (more than once) or to engage in the act while angry or “in the heat of passion.” The One Smack Rule is the principal reason that New Libertaria does not issue traffic tickets for the act of exceeding posted speed limits. The One Smack Rule has been referenced in popular culture on the long-running situation comedy “Hey Dumbass” (Dutch Title: “Ahoy Idioot“) as well as the game show “Who Wants A Smack In The Head?” It is also an integral part of the late night comedy shows with segments such as “The Slap Walk.”


New Libertarian Automobile Culture[]

Private vehicle ownership is widespread. However, while there are no laws regarding the use of vehicles in the city, car travel is reserved for cross-country travel and travel between cities. The people make use of the nation’s excellent mass transit systems. New Libertaria drives on the right-hand side of the street.


Rude Gestures (Backhanded Peace Sign)[]

A rude gesture in New Libertaria is known officially as the “backhanded peace sign” or the “backhanded compliment” in some circles. It is performed by displaying the index and middle fingers while showing the back of one’s hand rather than the display of the palm side in a traditional peace sign. It originated by conservatives who detested the counterculture that grew in New Libertaria in the early 1970s and was intended to “reverse the peace sign” displayed by many New Libertarian hippies. The gesture is also known by several names such as “flipping the V,” “shooting the V,” “the twisted hippie” and the “dirty Churchill.” In reference to Winston Churchill, it is also referred to as the “V Is For Go F Yourself.” For extra nasty emphasis, it is sometimes accompanied by the statement "Peace to you friend" said in a sarcastic manner.


New Libertaria: Interesting Facts & Colloquialisms[]

  • New Libertaria is the largest consumer of Valomilk candy outside of the United States.
  • A popular snack food in New Libertaria are Root Chips. While Libertarians enjoy potato chips, it is equally common for chips made from other root vegetables to be eaten as much as potato chips. There are very popular versions of beet, turnip, rutabaga, taro, parsnip, cassava and mangelwurzel.
  • The most popular foreign chain of fast food restaurants is H. Salt Esquire Fish & Chips followed in popularity by Arby’s, A&W Restaurants, and Orange Julius.


References[]

  1. Tom Cruise is officially listed as 5 ft. 7 in. His ex-wife Nicole Kidman is 5 ft. 10.5 in. Katie Holmes is 5 ft. 9 in. Most people believe Tom Cruise is shorter than this. Quite simply, he is a tiny, tiny man.
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