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Sir
Jarkko Hannu Salomäki
CSB PhD

Tribal Chief (Heimopäällikkö) of Uralica
Incumbent
Assumed office
18 March 2008
Preceded by none

Chair of the Uralicist Movement
In office
1 October 2007 – 18 March 2008
Preceded by Ovdey Shlomov

Inquisitor of The Order Of Light
In office
14 March 2009 – 9 March 2010

Minister of Defence of the Christian Coalition of Countries
In office
1 July 2008 – 14 August 2008
Preceded by TheKaiser
Succeeded by TheKaiser

Born 20 May 1983
Canada Sointula, BC, Canada
Alma mater University of Victoria
Religion Uralican Evangelical Baptist Christian


Sir Jarkko Hannu Salomäki (born 20 May 1983) is the Canadian-born Tribal Chief (Finn. Heimopäällikkö) of Uralica, once member nation of the Christian Coalition of Countries and now member nation of The Order Of Light. It was originally his idea to bring members of all the Uralic ethnicities together under one banner, which led to the Uralicist Movement and inevitably the formation of the nation Uralica when he and members of the academic and/or social elite of the other ethnicities banded together in Komi land around the city of Syktyvkar. When voting for councillors, he votes within the "Finn" ethnic group, since he is half-Finnish by ethnic group, with his father being a prominent Sointula Finn. Since becoming leader of Uralica he has become fluent in all three major languages of Uralica - English, Finnish, and Russian - as well as Plautdietsch and claims to want to learn all 27 other languages spoken in the nation due to his keen interest in languages and linguistics.

Biography Edit

Birth to Disappearance Edit

Jarkko Hannu Salomäki was born in Sointula, British Columbia, Canada on 20 May 1983 to Taneli Salomäki and Shannon O'Ryan Salomäki, and lived in Sointula for the first fourteen years of his life. Both a member of the small and unique Sointula Finn community, and a member of the Kwakw'akwakw First Nation via his mother, Salomäki has a slightly darker skin tone than most Finns, but this didn't cause him much grief growing up in Sointula and later the nearby fishing town of Port McNeill on Vancouver Island, where he lived for four years.

Always interested in music and soccer, Jarkko would often find himself travelling by ferry over to Port McNeill to partake in these at a higher level, and when he finished elementary school, his parents thought it best if he go to school there, so they sold their house and bought one on Vancouver Island, at Port McNeill. He proved to be an excellent student, finishing top of his class in the graduating class of 2001. He particularly excelled in music, languages, and social studies, and because of his rapid growth in the earlier grades of high school, he was a frequent presence on the school basketball, ice-hockey, and volleyball teams, even though his one love sports-wise was always football (soccer). He also played badminton and rugby.

His grades and athletic ability caught the attention of every university in Western Canada, but he ended up going to the University of Victoria, having racked up more than his share of scholarships. He was a left-back in the UVic soccer team, but still managed a GPA of over 7 (out of 9, an A- average) throughout his university career, finishing with a Bachelor of Arts with Honours in Linguistics. His thesis was on Estonian syllable structure and moraic theory.

After finishing his BA in the winter of 2005 (in spite of the cataclysmic ending of the Pre-Robertian Era), he took a tip from a friend of his and did two years at the Vancouver Island School of Music in Victoria, because he had already long since been writing music. Finishing in the summer of 2007, he now had himself a BA and a BMus.

However while this was going on, the Uralic peoples in former Russia were being persecuted, even killed, because they were deemed "untrustworthy" by the hyper-pro-Slavic governments of the area, which outraged Jarkko (and the Sointula Finn community on the whole) immensely. A strong Christian who subscribed to the "back to the Bible" preaching of Lech Bekesza, when told "do something about it," he took his life's savings and bought a one-way plane ticket to the heart of the old Uralic homeland, taking everything he owned with him.

Arriving in August 2007, Jarkko at first found it difficult to adapt, but it didn't take long before he was right at home in his new surroundings, having moved to the city of Syktyvkar. He immediately started attending meetings for a fledgling "Uralic Liberation Front," and his charisma, passion, and love of ALL the Uralic peoples slowly brought people into this group. Although the Uralics wanted to band together short-term, it was Salomäki's idea to bring them together on a more long-term basis, as a nation of "every Uralic tribe, tongue, and nation." It was from this sentence that the term "Uralic Tribes" was developed. Along with Komi political commentator and lawyer Vlasi Malenkov, and Russo-Udmurt Jew Dr. Ovdey Shlomov, he developed the concept of the "Neo-Tribal" government over weeks of debate and brainstorming. Always the linguist, he also began learning the many Uralic languages.

An attempt to overrun Syktyvkar by racist groups on 2 March 2008 also revealed another strong-point of Jarkko's - martial arts. Already a master of taekwondo, the hate groups came in expecting a roll-over and instead were left to run back home with their tails between their legs, as the Uralics stood up for themselves in mass numbers - and some with arms - and that day, Jarkko injured no fewer than two dozen with just his feet.

The shocked backlash from their own violence spawned the bloodless but powerful "Three-Day Revolution" (5–8 March 2009) led by Salomäki himself, in which Uralics would lay claim to their traditional homelands, but "not at the expense of Russians," and "let the Holy Spirit of God guide them in the ways of righteousness." Non-violent protests of treatment of Uralics soon garnered them support from the majority of the locals, Russian and non-Russian alike. This turn of events also got the attention of the Christian Coalition of Countries for religious reasons, and other nations and alliances for humanitarian reasons. While the anti-Uralics wished to quash the ballooning Uralicist movement, the international community declared overwhelming support for the Uralics and their supporters.

The next week would see even more Uralics (and indeed, almost the entire population of Sointula Finns) move into the area, and the so-called "Founding Fathers," led by Salomäki, hammer out the Constitution of a "Uralica." About five days before the constitution was finally ratified, a large group of Mennonites from Russia, Canada, and the United States came into the area and stated their support and their wish to be involved in the building of this "project." Salomäki, himself agreeing with many Mennonite ideals, asked that they be given a "Tribe" within Uralica, and everyone else agreed. On 16 March, the Uralic Liberation Front voted unanimously to make Salomäki the "Tribal Chief" or "Heimopäällikkö" of this new nation.

On 18 March, Salomäki stood before a large crowd in Syktyvkar and gave an address, stating the ratification of the Constitution and declaring the official existence of Uralica. And much to the crowd's delight, he did so in English, Finnish, and Russian.

He immediately set about finding an alliance to join, as in the Robertian Era, nations without alliances found themselves raided very quickly. On 19 March, Sheldomar Bolak and nate1865 met with Jarkko in Syktyvkar, and by the end of the meeting, Jarkko agreed to join the CCC.

He relished his time in the Coalition, becoming an active force, at first in military, then later in foreign affairs. However, his Asperger Syndrome condition was triggered by an unnecessarily harsh tirade by a foreign dignitary, and after having been assured of the protection of his people, he, and the Uralicists, suspended the Uralican Constitution on 7 September. After 12 days of wars alongside the Mindphaser Division, Jarkko disappeared without a trace.

The Three-Month Journey, and Uralica's Rebirth Edit

Upon his return on 22 December, Jarkko revealed precisely what he had done.

He had gone to a remote location devoid of population, near the Nenets city of Naryan-Mar. Here lied an abandoned factory that was said to be possessed by malignant demons, and was dubbed "The Fear Factory." Only by facing his greatest fears, Jarkko thought, would he ever be able to be the man God wanted him to be. So for three months, surviving off what little frozen food could be found and jars of distilled water scattered throughout, Jarkko did precisely this. He claimed to have been "tempted, tormented, and tested," but he kept his faith, and on 18 December 2008, it was reported that a loud screaming noise was heard from that direction. Jarkko said it had almost deafened him, but that it was the demons departing from the factory. Malnourished, tired, slightly dehydrated, and spiritually spent, he spent two days in hospital in Vorkuta before returning to his home in Syktyvkar.

His return lifted the spirits of the people. Could Uralica be returning? The answer was a resounding yes. Two days later, the Uralican Tribal Council that had suspended the constitution on 7 September returned to the Council Chambers and declared the suspension lifted, and on the same day, representatives from Earthly Heaven, Irlande, and The Dakotans flew into Uralica with TOOL paraphernalia.

Stronger than ever, Salomäki returned to doing many of the things he took pleasure in before, and has since been a bastion of strength for his people.

His experience in the Fear Factory was chronicled in the critically-acclaimed movie The Fear Factory: The Untold Story, in which Jarkko is portrayed by 6'8" Finnish actor Jussi Toivola, who hails from FCO territory. Salomäki, himself 6'7", commented that the only difference between him and Toivola's portrayal of him was that Toivola "is slightly taller, paler, and slimmer than I am." He said that other than that, the portrayal was "uncannily faithful to [his] writings about what actually happened."

Jarkko and the Military Edit

He held the field rank of Captain in the CCC's "Knights Templar" military order after his leadership and willingness to aid another CCC nation during the Ionized-Jelly War. This meant that he was, for the purposes of the Knights Templar, third on the chain of command behind Grand Master Max Sage and then-Minister of Defence The Kaiser. This was between the end of the Ionized-Jelly War on 3 April 2008, and 7 May 2008, when a restructuring of the military orders of the CCC meant he became a "Knight Hospitaller." He was given the rank of Captain again on 11 May by Hospitaller Grand Master Bolak, and three days later, The Kaiser offered him the Grand Master job for the Knights Templar, which he was quick to accept. On 8 July 2008, Jarkko was named the CCC's Minister of Defence, the third person to hold the position. (Much later, while a member of TOOL, he would be awarded the position of Knight Commander within the Order of Saint Blancos by KingRich of the New Polar Order, for his endeavours in multi-alliance military co-ordination, specifically between CCC and NpO.)

In The Order Of Light, this experience would quickly garner him the rank of Epsilon Regiment Lieutenant, although Uralica had never been in the NS range of that particular regiment. After fighting two wars against four opponents for TOOL, and because of his past experience and commitment to TOOL security, he was appointed to the TOOL Inquisition, a section of the government committed to precisely that. After 360 days of service in this regard, he announced his official resignation on 9 March 2010.

In terms of fighting in major wars himself, he took a defensive role in the War of the Coalition, defending northern Syktyvkar. The only time he has been on the battlefield with the soldiers in an offensive operation was when he took to the battlefield in Heifong during the Karma War - a front which was considered a victory for Uralica, even in his alliance's eventual defeat. However, he has been involved in the nation-level strategic planning of every war Uralica has ever fought in, save for the Mindphaser Crusades, which were conducted under the command of Kirill Zholtok.

Jarkko's Other Involvements in His Alliances Edit

He was CCC's Minister of Records, meaning it is his role to keep member lists up-to-date and to keep backups of all CCC documents on-hand. He maintained an ambassador list for the CCC as well.

He was also CCC's ambassador to 3 alliances - The Order of Light, The German Empire, and the Orange Defense Network. However he was naturally not at the headquarters 24/7, and has appointed three representatives to take care of more mundane matters and to notify him of anything more pressing.

Finally, he was a point of co-ordination between the militaries of the CCC and her allies, the New Polar Order.

He is always willing to lend a hand in other areas as well, and this willingness is shared by his people. There were temporary refugee camps set up near Trakt at KingJarkko's order when Long Rifle was attacked in the A Tale Of Two Ghosts campaign, and during the Second Unjust War, refugee camps were set up all over the country.

When Uralica dissolved, Jarkko went missing for three months, but re-emerged as a member of The Order Of Light, the alliance he once went to as a diplomat.

In his new alliance, Jarkko was more involved in non-military engagements, most notably in foreign affairs. He was assigned as diplomat to four alliances within two days of his re-emergence, and within a month he became Deputy Hand of Foreign Affairs, serving under Salmia of Earthly Heaven. He was elected to February 2009's Council of Light and has served as ambassador to eight alliances overall as a TOOL member, although one of these assignments only lasted two days due to a clerical error.

As a member of TOOL, he has served as official ambassador to CCC, NpO, Molon Labe (for two days!), Greenland Republic, STA, WAPA, RIA, Argent, NATO, Olympus, the AOD Brigade (for whom he would later name a treaty with TPF), TSI, Ragnarok, Vanguard, and Carpe Diem. Furthermore, he has been an unofficial ambassador to Octava Orden and the IAA.

Jarkko Away From Politics Edit

A fan and player of soccer (football), he is left-back and team captain for Sikkivukarin Palloseura (SiPS), having first been named to the team on 10 June 2008. He also captained the Uralican men's national football team to a semifinal appearance in the FIFOB Alliance Cup before they lost against Transvaal. He has made the most appearances all-time for the nationals, having played thirty-two games for the "Sinikotat," one more than Diedrik Siemens and two more than Khavkuk Shlomov.

He also enjoys all the other "regular" spectator sports in Uralica - ice hockey, team handball, tennis, basketball, and winter solo sports, most notably speed skating and biathlon, the latter of which he sometimes partakes in. Salomäki is also an avid musician, novellist, and poet, and composed the music to the Uralilainen Laulu, Uralica's national anthem. He has a pet cat named "Ruutu" (diamond), named for the white diamond on his forehead, and his home in the Nizhnyy Chov district of Syktyvkar also borders on a bird sanctuary (Huuhkaja National Park) which is home to many Eurasian Eagle-Owls, which he contributes to financially.

Academically, he had done a Bachelor of Arts at the University of Victoria in Linguistics, and had started doing a Masters of Applied Linguistics and Exegesis at Uralikan Yliopisto when that institute gave him an honorary PhD in the doctrine. In spite of actually having the degree, though, he still takes classes at UY and plans to one day teach in the Department of Biblical Linguistics. He completed all the course requirements for the MLE degree in 2010.

He is also a very avid musician, having composed music since the age of fourteen. Much of his composition work is done by computer, either via his solo project DC76 (symphonic electronica), or in group projects Sointula (with Jeff Laukkanen, hard and symphonic trance), Bane of the Machine (with Lasse Salo and Johannes Gies, EBM), Tundra Sounds (with Marko Lehtonen, dark ambient and ambient pop), and Digitoxicosis (with Tatyana Malinskaya, Esa Myllyjärvi, Arkady Koskov, Aalto Kujanen, and Ville Kotamäki, cyber-death metal, where he is one of the two keyboardists).

However, he is also a member of the Uralican Symphony Orchestra. He is a specialist in low-range woodwinds, particularly bass clarinet, but can also play pitched percussion (timpani, glockenspiel, xylophone, vibraphone), organ (Hammond, pipe, and reed), and kantele. He was also at one time the secondary composer-in-residence for the USO, but he resigned this position in May 2010, with Sirkka Numminen taking his place. (Granted, Numminen is regarded as a "co-composer in residence" of equal stature to Ruslan Kamyshin.)

Personality Edit

KingJarkko has a rather eccentric personality, due in part to his Asperger Syndrome condition, but always tries to be friendly. He is known to come up with odd terms for things ("tapping-up" for attempting to recruit a member who is already part of an alliance, "going shotgun" for declaring peace with an enemy aggressor without being ordered to do so, "hoolie" for a CN bully in general, and so forth) and can also come up with some obscure jokes that often end up backfiring on him, usually resulting in him getting a nickname. The best examples of this are "Simon" (from a bad CastleVania joke) and "Pizza" (from talking about a little-known Norwegian football (soccer) club that makes its own pizza).

When in charge of combatants, he is known for being quite strict. He likes to do things "by the book," and to disobey an order usually brings about a serious tongue-lashing from the Uralican Chief. However, he is also known to praise noteworthy combatants, with examples from the past having been l1jake1 of La Fleur, CVTWayne of Hintonia, Ghiavana of Ghiavana, and MaTTeRs of Markers.

When doing the actual fighting, he is feared for having "a nasty streak longer than the Volga." Much the same as he wants his orders followed when in command, Jarkko always makes sure his actions are square with his commander's orders, as well as the charter of the alliance he's in. He also prefers to attack at night, and this fact combined with his almost predatory nature has garnered him the nickname, "Huuhkaja," which is Finnish for "eagle-owl," a nocturnal bird of prey that has range throughout most of Uralica and is the national bird. However, this mean streak has also garnered him the contempt of some, who call him "That Bloodthirsty Finn," although few who call him that are from nations that still exist. He is rumoured to have ordered five top aides to the Ionicion dictator, Ionizer, executed as retaliation for the deaths of 221 Mennonite civilians in Pazhga, since Ionizer himself had fled the nation. (It was later found out that Ionizer was killed near Vuktyl, having been found mauled and half-eaten near the Virgin Komi Forests.)

Jarkko is fiercely loyal to his allies. He even went so far as to call alliances that had at least MDPs with the CCC "brothers and sisters." He has a particular fondness for the New Polar Order, and feels a certain kinship with KingRich of Blancos Dos, who is also both a military official and a diplomat. He also has soft spots for several other alliances, generally ones that act honorably. Although he is no longer a member of the CCC, he still takes an active interest in their progress, and this has even led to a war being fought by Uralica.

See: Operation: Guardian Angel

Jarkko has no official animus against any existing alliance, however he is rumoured not to like rogue alliances.

Interview With The Eagle-Owl Edit

In a recent interview, he listed a few of his favourite things:

Favourite...

...activities: squashing rogues, helping his alliance, making his nation stronger, executing Midnight Surprises, making new friends, trolling idiots. ...colours: blue, green, white, gold.
...animals: cats, Siberian tigers, eagle-owls, and lynxes.
...soccer (football) team: Sikkivukarin Palloseura.
...hockey teams: HK Jokerit.
...place: The Filharmonia in Syktyvkar.
...music: Classical, Christian metal, symphonic electronica.
...hobbies: making music in any way form or fashion, playing football (soccer), biathlon.
...musical instrument: The gigantic pipe organ in the Filharmonia.
...woman: in his own words, "it's a secret."

Nicknames Edit

  • "The Edgecrusher" - a fondness for heavy metal, his vicious nature in battle, and his undying loyalty and zeal towards both nation and alliance, have garnered him this nickname from the Fear Factory song "Edgecrusher" and its associated character.
  • "The Human Battle Droid" - a reference to how Jarkko seems to have no sense of humour in any battle situation (and sometimes other situations as well). Sometimes used as a compliment in insinuating that certain people like that he's "all business" in battle.
  • "Pizza" - one of KJ's odder nicknames, given him by Salmacis after a bad series of jokes which led to the Uralican ruler talking randomly about a football team in Norway (Harstad IL) that makes its own pizza.
  • "Mr. I Like Headdesking" (MILH for short) - since Jarkko seems to like to respond to lame jokes or bad situations with "headdesking," he earned this moniker from fellow TOOLie "KingsIndian"
  • "Jarkko Failomäki"
  • "Jarkkopedia"
  • "Jerkko"

Quotable QuotesEdit

  • "The only people I've ever called enemies are those who have disrespected my alliance, and those that have actually survived count themselves VERY lucky."
  • "Congratulations. You just spawned a new internet meme."
  • "If you hadn't filled our war slot in the first place, you wouldn't have this problem!"
  • "Suomeksi, pyydän. 'N-ymmärrä alypänkielea." (Uralican Finnish slang: "Finnish please. I don't understand idiot-speak.")
  • "En puhu alypänkielea, perkele! (Uralican Finnish slang: "I don't speak idiot-speak, goddammit!!")
  • "TONIGHT WE DINE WITH CHRIST!!!"
  • "What part of 'I'm committed' don't people seem to understand???"
  • "I told him to attack someone who deserved it, but he didn't listen. NOBODY EVER LISTENS!!"
  • "What kind of Edgecrusher would I be if I wasn't just a little bit of a bloodthirsty skullslacker?"
  • "I've killed so many ghosts that I might as well be called CN's version of The Exorcist!"
  • "Did I come at a bad time?"
  • "I'm not what you'd call a 'great person' in this Robertian age. I just do stuff. And troll. And yell at rogues and ghosts."

Memes Edit

  • "I have a bad feeling about this..."
  • "SHUDDUP FOO!!" (Finn. Turppa kiinni, älypää!")
  • "WHATS IN THE <pinch harmonic> NAMES OF ODIN???"
  • "MIA YOU DWEEB!!!"
  • Near-incessant headdesking.
  • Excessive use of "Indeed."
  • References to Fear Factory, a Pre-Robertian industrial metal act
  • Usage of the quarterstaff
  • Altering people's names with "Fail." Examples: "Creekyfail" (Creekynoise), "Jarkko Failomäki" (himself), "Silentfailer" (silentkiller), "Failmaster" (Gamemaster), "KIFail" (KingsIndian). (He claims to have picked this habit up from "Brian Blessed Is God.")

Trivia Edit

  • Is 6'7", 293 lbs, dirty blond hair (routinely kept shaved bald), brown-green eyes, 5% body fat.
  • Is a professional footballer with Sikkivukarin Palloseura (SiPS), and participates in biathlon, cross-country skiing, and long-track speed skating in the winter off-season.
  • Lives in a 2400 square-foot home in the north of Syktyvkar, whose back yard borders on Huuhkaja National Park
  • Has a fondness for a great range of classical music, including several homegrown composers like Sirkka Numminen, Ruslan Kamyshin, Adam Ovdeyev, and Taavi Markkanen.
  • The Star Wars Trilogy and local film Through Ice, Snow, And Arctic Winds are his favourite movies.
  • Speaks eight languages fluently - English, Finnish (Uralican and Sointula dialects), Russian, Plautdietsch, French, German, Bashkir, and Komi-Zyrian.
  • Has seven tattoos:
    • A large Christian Cross on his back.
    • "KANADALAINEN" above said cross, across his upper back. (Means "Canadian" in Finnish.)
    • A smaller, Maltese-style Christian Cross on his left biceps.
    • The Mordvin Cross (see the flags of Udmurtiya North and Udmurtiya South) on his right biceps. Is coloured red.
    • "URALIKKA" on his left forearm.
    • "KRISTUKSEN PALVELIJA" on his right forearm.
    • "EDGECRUSHER" in small letters on the back of his neck.

See also Edit

CCC Hall of Honor Page
DC76
Sikkivukarin Palloseura (SiPS)
Sointula (band)
Digitoxicosis
Tundra Sounds
Bane of the Machine
Huuhkaja National Park

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