The First Verbal War

On the 20th of August, 2006, in the silent wilderness of the National/Misc roleplay forum, a potentially historic event took place, far from the eyes of most of the world. The press from the Eastern European nation of Fine released a statement:

Declaration of Verbal War
Bloodshed must stop, say aid agencies

Emik Wiceo, the president of the great east european enclave of Fine, today decared a war of words on the nation of The Kingdom of the Isles.

The war was declared after a small Finean boy was shocked when a holidaying royal statesman from the Siberian kingdom "mouthed off" when the boy could not give directions to a toilet in time.

The press conference was also attended by deaf-blind-mute Fine Minister Luca Collorini, who of course observed proceedings through a "taste language" translator.

Wiceo: "This war is one of words so that lives will not be lost, except old farts who intensely dislike arguments."

In accordance with the Geneva convention, foul language will not be used.

Fine's literary forces are currently at their type-writers, preparing long, boring hate-speeches.

Luca Collorini (translated): "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them on the landing grounds, we will fight them in the hills--we shall never surrender."

Wiceo: "We urge all other nations who have in the past been damaged by the facist, corrupt, and oh so very UNFINE government of the Kingdom of the Isles to join in this verbal barrage."

''International aid organisations have condemned the war. "Just because no one dies doesn't mean no-one gets hurt. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones -- and words can hurt, too."''

The initial strategy of the Kingdom was to ignore this, after all, unlike physical war, in verbal wars both sides must want to fight. Some rumours have stated that the Kingdom never actually noticed the declaration, but they have been met with sceptisism.

Eventually, after four days, the Kingdom responded. The Kingdom's leading daily newspaper wrote this:

Today, King Tuor du Isles returned the threats, and send a warning message to Emik Wiceo, informing him that "We will fight you on the hydroslides, we will fight you in the ice-cream parlours and we will fight you at the stripclubs - we will never surrender - unless you offer us either women or money, either will be accepted."

When the claim was refused, the war began, with Tuor and his advisor, Lord Arcad, began typing furious messages to the filth that is Wiceo, illuminating the flaws in his "nation" and revealing they knew why the Fineans have a "she'll be right" attitude...the truth is they are all high on marijuana.

The Finean state media responded angrily, although they never rejected the claims that they used recreational drugs:

In an official statement from the Finean government, a spokesman accused the citizens of The Kingdom of the Isles of being the most lazy, boring, evil people in the cyberverse.

''When asked about the accusation that Fineans are high on drugs, the spokesman simply stared blankly into space before collapsing on the ground. He is currently in a stable condition at the Igo General Hospital, but he has the distinction of being the first casualty of the war.''

Fine Minister Luca Collorini has swung a cheap shot at the Kingdom's government system, pointing out in his special taste language that that a system which allows a cabbage to be crowned King, and currently has a lemon-cheese cake sixth in line for the throne, must be a really, really crap system.

"It is ironic that while the Kingdoms sytem of government allows items of food to be crowned monarch, but not women."

To be continued...