Guajolotes

United Guajolotes Athletic Football Club Association Organization of the Greater New Kauai Security And Trade Region Inc., better known simply as Guajolotes, is a soccer club that plays in Liga Mundo. It was formerly known as Compostella Artois, but changed its name after a move to New Kauai during Liga Mundo's season 9. They currently compete in Primera Liga. The team plays its matches at New Kauai Athletic Park.

Press Release Archive
Seasons 8 - 10

NOTE: Complete press release records are not available for seasons 8 - 10.

10-23-10

Guajolotes Route RMI Armed Forces

Shifty Groundskeeper to Blame?

By the 45th minute in this week's match with RMI Armed Forces FC, Tercera Liga leaders UGAFCAOGNKSATRI, the result was all but decided. Guajolotes were out to a 4-0 league; the hope that once lit the faces of RMI's players was conspicuously absent as they limped their way into the locker room. RMI never recovered. The game ended 5-0, and was dominated by the Guajolotes at every point. They had an overwhelming advantage in time of possession, and limited RMI to zero scoring chances. Clearly, Guajolotes' powerful midfield controlled the match.

But, was there some deeper influence at work in the match?

Shortly after the match's conclusion, word began to circulate that the RMI players were having trouble with their equipment. Stories of busted cleats, splitting socks, and riding underwear were whispered, here and there; reporters began to investigate. As the TV footage from the map was scoured, reporters discovered shots of a New Kauai Athletic Park groundskeeper scurrying about back and forth behind the visiting team bench. While there were no shots of the shifty mystery man tampering with any of RMI's gear, he was usually present when things went awry.

Mid-week, TV reported Jaque DeVan was able to track the man down after days staking out the park. He and a camera crew cornered the man in a hallway.

"What were doing behind the RMI bench in last week's Guajolotes match? What's your name? Did you tamper with everyone's pants?" DeVan questioned.

"Nyaah, see!" the mysterious figure replied, twirling his bushy mustache. Then, as soon as he appeared, he swooped his jacket across his face and vanished into the shadows.

The shifty groundskeeper's identity remains a mystery. The league's official position is that the match will not be replayed, but Commissioner Botha's office was unavailable for comment. While Guajolotes seemed to be the clearly superior team on the pitch, one must wonder if the match would have been closer without the broken cleats and splitting pants.

Season 11

8-7-11

Will They Stay or Will They Go?

"It's all about the Primera now."

Runningcow was unequivocal about his team's goals for the balance of season 11 during a postgame press conference after his squad's disappointing 2-0 loss to Templar Forsworn. The Guajolotes are mired in a battle for the important 6th spot in the Primera Liga table. Thanks to the anticipated return of Tercera Liga next season, only the top six teams will remain in the Primera, though technically only the 9th and 10th teams will be subject to relegation.

The Forsworn matchup was considered by many as Guajolotes' best chance to earn three points and all but seal the deal to stay in the top division. Instead, they took the loss and remain within 6 points of the chasing Arcadia FC, who currently sit in the 7th position. Guajolotes dominated posession in the match, but their offense looked anemic, as they consistently failed to create chances, and those they did had little chance of conversion into points, save one, which was called back on a highly doubtful offsides late in stoppage time.

"We just weren't prepared like we should have been." Runningcow said of his team's lackluster showing. "You've got to bring your best stuff every time out against Templar. Cyphon's always going to test you, we didn't pass today. There's a tendency to look at their lineup on paper and get complacent, but that's no excuse for anyone these days. After the last two seasons, everyone in Liga Mundo knows what they can do." Asked if he was upset with the way his strikers failed to deliver: "Not at all. This loss was my fault. Does the offside call upset me? Of course. That was a clean goal, but would it have change the game? No."

Adding injury to insult, Templar defender Walter Welsby spiked Orlan Lopez late in the second half as the two were battling for a ball. Lopez will be out for the remainder of the season. "That DOES upset me," Runningcow said.

Lopez was surprisingly nonchalant about the season-ending blow. "Well that's Templar, isn't it? We'll just see what we have for them next time out," he said with a wink.

Looking at the road ahead for Guajolotes, things could get bumpy. The last three games of the season will be against three of the Big Four. It is agreed by most inside and outside UGAFCAOGNKSATRI that the most important match will be in two weeks against Arcadia FC. Looking at the upcoming Primera schedule, it will very likely decide which of the two will stay in the Primera for season 12, and which will face de facto relegation. As team captain Rob Napier said:

"We're not thinking about [the loss]. The Boks, Arcadia, and the Vols. That's where we are. We may not beat them all, but we're determined to stay up in the Primera."