Battle of Portland

The Battle of Portland
Recently released documents from the CFS historical archives show that the Battle of Portland was totally unanticipated. Historians and physicists alike are currently debating the reasons why the Autocranialrectalreversalfacilitatomometer did not work on this segment of the population. The theory which currently holds the most credence is that due to the already large number of socialists in the greater Portland area, the brain-washing device had the opposite effect than in other areas. Rather than removing craniums from rectums, it actually inserted them. As a result, many residents of the area became snake-handling lunatics. The cries of, "All hail Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, and O'Rielly!" still haunt the survivors of that battle. Neighborhood by neighborhood, and street by street, the People's Army of Cascadia was forced to root out and kill those who they had hoped would be their allies. In his seminal work, Mein Hangover, Senhart describes a scene from the battle: "As we crossed the Burnside Bridge, the fanaticism of our enemy was apparent for all to see. They were wrapped up in American flags, some of them carrying their own children.  They rushed headlong into our ranks, screaming like banshees, throwing molotov cocktails...it was pandemonium.  As we saw it, they were dead already." In total, over 35,000 Portlander's died in the battle, which raged for two weeks. On February 9, 2009, Senhart negotiated a settlement with the remaining Portland militias, allowing them free passage to the east, and out of what was to become the Cascadian Free State.