Random Insanity News

Random Insanity News (RI News) is a humorous slant on non-existent news stories written by Random Insanity Alliance members. The opening issue was released to the public on November 8, 2008

9001st edition

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Introducing: RI News!
A humorous slant on non-existent news stories written by Random Insanity Alliance members! We're doing our best to entertain you, but we need your help! We need your government's permission to make fun of you! So I want alliance leaders all across Bob to post here (or PM me) that you're cool with us most likely insulting you, making fun of you in some way, and/or calling you names. I may also come to you if I really want to do a story on you, but I'd appreciate you just giving me permission anyway. I (DTMB) won't be the only writer forever, but for this one, I wrote everything you see here.

I really am up for suggestions on format, and if anyone has suggestions for stories or wants to write, you'll have to PM me with your stories (not recommended) or sign up on www.boards.rialliance.net <- - our boards! Without further adieu, here it is, RI news!

Small Children Eaten By New Ragnarok Invention
Unlike to the baby eating of the New Pacific Order, Ragnarok's new invention prefers the slightly older, thicker-muscled, less soft meat of the 4-6 year old children it recently devoured. The fourteenth precinct's captain commented: "I've never seen anything like this in my life, it seems like it came through that window and just laid waste to the entire daycare center." This isn't the first time crime has hit Ragnarok's part of town, the Gerbil Infestation Of 1985 is still fresh in everyone's mind, Hoo's arrival of course mysteriously caused the disappearance of those gerbils, but the carnage that ensued before he arrived will most likely not be forgotten for decades.

ChairmanHal gave some specs of the machine: "Basically it's a big pikachu with lasers. We had to add lasers. It's kinda self explanitory. Kids like pikachu, pikachu likes kids, it's a win win, except then pikachu eats the kids." Some say that this crusading pikachu is a good sign for the community, RIA's own Dester55 felt that "those darn kids won't get off my lawn, I'm glad to hear they were brutally slaughtered, I didn't have to waste any of my nukes." When I told him he didn't have any nukes, he proceeded to run around his lawn tearing up grass and dirt looking for his nukes, screaming things like "holy batman!"

This could be the first time in history that someone out-does NPO in terms of underage-targeting "atrocities."

''Pikachu in action seen here, lasers are hidden. Can't let them know you got lasers.''

The Great Cactaur vs Weegie War Finally Ends
''Wait, when did it start? Well...never mind then. I thought there was a war. What fun is it if there's no war? Someone fix this.''

RIA Member Leaves House During The Day
In an unprecedented act of stupidity, RIA'r JuggaloJac left his house today at 12:30PM, one of the brightest moments of the day, and (not surprisingly) instantly died. Later that night RIA investigators checked his corpse and found multiple "What it's like outside" books. Delta1212 responded to the accident by banning all books that have any pictures of what it looks like outside to eliminate curiosity amongst the RIA youth. This caused speculation from outsiders as to whether we are vampires or "sum'm like dat." I assure you, we just stay in playing CN/defcon/starcraft/WoW/FALLOUT 3(In stores now!) all our lives, and thus our skin has lost all photonic resistance, and all of our vital organs on contact with the sun are mutated to the degree at which they no longer function.

RIA researchers have been working on solving this with something less...sexually ambiguous...as an umbrella, but thus far they have had no luck. Their latest prototype, the "Sunblock 90046", was a suit of lead. While it did protect the tester from the sun, as soon as he got in it and they welded it shut, they realized they "ain't no tony stark" and he had no way of walking or moving at all, and died of heat exhaustion. Luckily he was one of the hundreds of forum-inactive RIAers, so nobody really cared. Might as well have been a red-shirt ensign.

Latest satellite imagery of what the sun is up to has produced this stunning photograph:



Not really sure what it means but I'm sure it's trying to kill us all.