A Day in the Life of Cactuar and Funktuara

A Day in the Life of Cactuar and Funktuara was the first Random Insanity Alliance election tale, included in the announcement of their Thirty-fourth Cabinet on October 1, 2009.

Story
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Cactuar, woke up in a magical pumpkin patch. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely exasperated, Cactuar attacked a ninja pumpkin, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved pie was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Funktuara. Cactuar had known Funktuara for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Funktuara was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... crazy. Cactuar called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Funktuara picked up to a very glad Cactuar. Funktuara calmly assured him that most legless puppies grimace before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Cactuar. Why was Funktuara trying to distract Cactuar? Because she had snuck out from Cactuar's with the pie only six days prior. It was a exotic little pie... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Cactuar got back to the subject at hand: his pie. Funktuara sneezed. Reluctantly, Funktuara invited him over, assuring him they'd find the pie. Cactuar grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Funktuara realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the pie and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if Cactuar took the giraffe, she had at least nine minutes before Cactuar would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Funktuara would be excessively screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Funktuara was interrupted by eleven selfish Kiwis that were lured by her pie. Funktuara turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she aggressively reached for her carrot and thoughtfully lunged towards every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the time machine rolling up. It was Cactuar.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Cactuar was out of the time machine and went wildly jaunting toward Funktuara's front door. Meanwhile inside, Funktuara was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the pie into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Funktuara was pleased but at least the pie was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Funktuara wildly purred. With a mighty push, Cactuar opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering self-righteous samurai in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Funktuara assured him. Cactuar took a seat excruciatingly close to where Funktuara had hidden the pie. Funktuara shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Cactuar was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Funktuara noticed a funny-smelling look on Cactuar's face. Cactuar slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Funktuara felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Cactuar asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the pie right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Cactuar's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cactuar nodded with fake acknowledgment...then, before Funktuara could react, Cactuar skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The pie was plainly in view.

Cactuar stared at Funktuara for what what must've been eleven nanoseconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Funktuara groped charismatically in Cactuar's direction, clearly desperate. Cactuar grabbed the pie and bolted for the door. It was locked. Funktuara let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cactuar,' she rebuked. Funktuara always had been a little clueless, so Cactuar knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Funktuara did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his pie tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Funktuara looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cactuar. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Cactuar. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Funktuara walked over to the window and looked down. Cactuar was gone.

Just yonder, Cactuar was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Funktuara's place. Cactuar had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Kiwis suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the pie. One by one they latched on to Cactuar. Already weakened from his injury, Cactuar yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Kiwis running off with his pie.

But then the Almighty, the All Powerful, the Great One, RIctuar came down from above with His ten thousand needles and restored Cactuar's pie. Feeling exasperated, RIctuar smote the Kiwis for their injustice. Then He got in His gerbil rocket and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 200,000 hissing sloths running from a shrunken pack of man-eating capybaras. Cactuar tripped with joy when he saw this. His pie was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, 'What's new in the RIA?', was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet 3-legged wallabies'). Cactuar was pleased. And so, everyone except the samurai and a few bloody glove-toting hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.