Don't Panic Edition 26

Opening
By: Dynasty

You all thought I was leaving the Don’t Panic’s spot of Editor and Chief now didn’t you? Yeah, me too. Then it turns out that the new one they got had some other things to do, and viola! Here I am back as our good ole Editor and Chief. But enough about how I got back, there’s been a ton of stuff that has happened since last edition, from Härmlin day to the multitude of elections, and from internal programs to getting spot number two again this edition is packed full of juicy goodness!

Härmlin Day
By: Dynasty

Remember, remember the fifth of November. Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, all of us have heard this phrase or something along those lines often enough; most often followed by some announcement about oppression, tyranny or the need to take action against whomever to seek revenge for whatever crimes against whomever else. Not this time. On November 5th 2006, the relationship between the Mostly Harmless Alliance and The Grämlins was formally put to paper. It was our first military pact, and the one that has endured the longest, being still active. Thus, today, 3 years after the signing of the Härmlin Accords, we the Härmlin of the Mostly Harmless Alliance and the Grämlins Celebrate the day when our friendships collided, we celebrate the day when we signed to each other our pledge of loyalty and friendship that remain to this day. We celebrate this day not only with mere festivities, but also through the continuation of our brotherhood, and of our pledge to be united as one.

Triumvir Elections
By: Pourquoi

Election time here again in the MHA and this was to be an interesting one. Why? Well, we had that rare and much anticipated thing of an election without an incumbent. This, sadly, means that Scutterbug was not seeking re-election - he has chosen to step into the comfy green slippers of the Gov Advisor position. Anyhoo, back to the race. Early on Jadoo1989 - Minister of Bad Poetry - was already indicating his intention to run, so his nomination was of no surprise to anyone. What, perhaps, was that yankeefan2 - Deputy Minister for Babel Fish stepped forward to give Jadoo a run. Neither candidate had faced an election before and so an excellent period of debate ensued, including an IRC debate - chaired by outgoing Trium Scutter (and later nath) - and some of the most active campaign threads to date.

In the end, the purple masked Minister Jadoo emerged victorious. Our congratulations go to him as the second person to have contributed to the Don't Panic and have been elected as Trium. (Note to any wannabe Triums out there - contribute to Don't Panic and victory is assured )

Speaker Election
By: Pourquoi

Our very first Speaker Farmer John took the decision to stand down from his post on October 27th, meaning a replacement Speaker election took place at around the same time as our Triumvir and Court elections.

And what a crowded field it was. Farmer John took the Speaker position unopposed last time round, but this time we had majorddf, nath1194 and author of the revolution himself WCR step up for the job. A short campaigning and election period later saw, to no one's great surprise, WCR take the post with over 50% of the vote. We look forward to seeing whether he can breathe new direction into the Assembly.

Court Confirmations
By: Pourquoi

It’s that time again when we choose which three hitchhikers will preside over our court for the next three months. With three positions vacant and only three applications from El Presidente, zere and masterbake we held a confirmation vote, which saw all three glide nicely into the jobs. We look forward to their tenure and congratulate El Presidente on his impressive loyalty and dedication to the alliance through his lengthy service to the court, 14 months continuously! For the record, that is a record (no pun intended), El Presidente now holds the title of the longest continuously serving elected official.

Ministry Changes
By: Pourquoi

Election to high office means that we welcome Jadoo to the red mask, whilst we must also, sadly, say goodbye to Scutter - enjoy the green mask and put your feet up mate This also leaves the MoBP job vacant - see below - with Scytale running the show until a replacement is found. We also have a change of Speaker and three new (well, two new, one old hand still at work) Court Officers to add to the list:

And thus, this is how the MHA government is looking:

'''Triumvirate: Crushtania, Pourquoi, Jadoo1989

Minister of HitchHikers: rblount27 Deputy: Niu Garzukk Minister of Towels: Draden Valerianovich Deputy: Iamrecognized Minister of BabelFish: KingCJC Deputy: yankeefan2 Minister of Bad Poetry: VACANT Deputy (Acting Minister): Scytale Minister of Destructor Fleets: pudge1975 Deputy: Espressoville'''

'''Speaker of the HHA: WCR Legislator of the HHA: Dynasty

Court Officer: El Presidente Court Officer: zere Court Officer: masterbake'''

Movie Review
By: Diablofan

For the movie review, I decided to watch 'The Ugly Truth'. Now, before I figured out what movie to watch for this, I was having a hard time deciding. I asked my friend Chinchilla330, and she recommended this movie to me. I was a little reluctant at first because it looked like a chick flick. She told me it was, but it was one that guys would like as well. So I got it recently, and just watched it today. Now, the movie is about this news producer by the name of Abby, who can't find the right guy for her at all. Well, she goes out on this blind date with this guy, where she pretty much knew more about him than he knew of himself. In my opinion, that is a little creepy. After the date, which turned out to be a flop, she's in her bedroom, when her cat flips the channel on her TV and it turns to this show called 'The Ugly Truth', where the host of the show, named Mike, talks about the ugly truth about love to women. She calls up the show and tries to tell Mike off, but in turn gets told off herself. Well, next day rolls around, the news station she works at plays this clip of the show in a conference and decides to hire Mike on at their station. So, they put him on Abby's show and give him a segment called the Ugly Truth. In his first appearance on the show, he made the hosts start making out and then run off set. This makes the producer, Abby, run off and hide in her closet. I don't want to make this a massive wall of text so now I'll get to the review. This is a very great movie. As my friend Chinchilla330 said, "It's a Chick Flick, but guys will like it as well". I agree with that statement. I quite enjoyed watching this movie. The plot was funny, some parts were completely unexpected, and some were. But over all this is a good movie. I give it a 3.5 out of 5. Not great, but still funny as all hell. I would recommend watching it.

The Time Machine
By: Shamshir

"Whoa man!"


 * you look around in a confused daze*

"What is going on?"


 * you realise that you seemed to have fallen asleep on bench location unknown*

"Whats this?"


 * you pick up todays paper that is folded underneath the bench*

"July the 26th 2007! What does this mean?"


 * you read the front which is covered in graphs and tables*

QUOTE Today is mixed bag for all hitchhikers across the world for we are now fewer in numbers this has caused out total hitchhking strength to have dipped as well. Not to mention there are less of us with a copy of the deadly uranium filled guides that are all the rage as well as our unified galactic pac man score. However our average hitchhiker determination or what somepeople call NS is up from last week. Out top 10 travelers list is mostly unchanged, with just some minor shuffling around. Other news our chums from the North Astro Treaty Organisation is closing in on us in terms of members with us having 294 and the upstarts having 292. However we can be proud to call ourselves the most elite on bob as we have taken the #1 spot in Average hitchhiker determination from ASC

"This makes no sense...."

Stay tuned for part 2 of "The Time Machine"

The End of Black Peace (Hoax)
By: Scorn

The time has come to unveil the final chapter of the brilliant strategy that is Black Peace. Now that our enemy has reassembled on their home affiliation and isolated themselves so nicely, we shall BLOW THEM UP! BWAHAhahaha! Bwahaha, bwahahaha™... we are so evil that we have to use the trademarked villain laugh.

We have had all the opportunities we needed to tell each other off in public and in private according to the provisions of Black Peace. Now we have FAN right where we have wanted them for the longest time. The greatest part of this plan is that we can call in as many allies as we need to overwhelm FAN, because we all know the MHA military doctrine requires better then 5:1 odds in our favor before we are willing to commit on any of our treaty obligations. This is almost a built in curb-stomp with only MHA nations getting in on the action. Imagine how much better it will be with all of our allies jumping in on our behalf as well.

We only need to pick out a few members of FAN and out them as spies from long ago. Now to go over the Evil Overlord of CN checklist: Isolate target...................... Check, CN Wiki never lies. Create animosity.................. Check, us Hitchhikers are always ready for the latest curb-stomp. Fabricate CB....................... Check, spying charges go over well no matter what. The he said, she said arguments cover the backroom plotting. Oooh, almost forgot one. Backroom plotting with allies... Check, whew, wouldn't want to go off half cocked. Time to Roll FAN.

Book review: And Another Thing…
By: Scytale

The sixth book of the Hitchhiker’s trilogy is out. Yes, it’s not a type-o, the sixth book of the Hitchhiker’s trilogy was been written and published AFTER the author died. Any other trilogy and that would sound out of place but for the Hitchhiker, it seems appropriate. This book was actually written by Eoin Colfer of the children’s book series, Artemis Fowl. It seems that the way the fifth book of trilogy ended was a bit of a disappointment and even Douglas Adams wanted to correct it. Well, Eoin Colfer certainly gave it a much different ending with the book “And Another thing…”

I enjoyed the sixth installment of the trilogy. There are many reasons why the Hitchiker’s triology is one of my favorite books. Douglas Adams would take very minor events and blow them up to galactic proportions and vice versa. Just a minor slip of the tongue can cause generations of space-faring empires to go to war. And a mistake in calculations can get an entire death invasion armada swallowed up by a dog. Idiotic procedures are blown up to galactic proportions (usually handled by Vogons) and you never knew what was just around the corner. Phrases like “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't” and “The effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick” made your brain feel like you actually drank a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and live to tell the tale. Everything was new and fresh and you just couldn’t wait to see what else was on the next page. The sixth book of three is not this.

The sixth book feels more like an epilog. It tied up loose ends and gave it a more “Disney” ending in the Hitchhiker’s world. There are many familiar elements from the previous books and is well written. Eoin Colfer even introduces a few new characters to the Hithchiker’s universe which I found… pleasant. The problem I had was that the book feels like the writer was trying too hard not to upset anything Douglas Adams wrote and just wanted to give it a happier ending. In that he succeeded.

So, I can recommend this book as worth reading. It feels like slipping back into your old comfortable chair with no real surprises. Maybe it’s a little cold and maybe you’ve gained a little weight but it still fits and familiar.

Gin Review
By: Pourquoi

I'm not sure just how many, or, conversely, few, gin drinkers there are out there in the MHA or CN, but for you few mighty stallions, I've taken a few minutes out of my hectic schedule to perform this challenging task of reviewing four, yes, four different brands of gin. It was an arduous task, but, somehow, I managed to get through it. So, onto the not very scientific but nonetheless subjectively accurate results:

My testing / review / binge was conducted with the following: Gordon's London Dry (37.5%vol) £11.51 from Asda Plymouth (41.2%vol) £13.12 from Asda Tanqueray London Dry (43.1%vol) £12.98 from Asda Bombay Sapphire (47%vol) £16.43 (All prices for 70cl bottles)

Firstly a note on the method of testing. I myself am a gin & tonic man, so I decided to use their quality in a G&T as the main verdict for quality, but, also being something of a semi-professional barman, I also decided to try then in a homemade martini - as well as straight (although wasting gin by drinking it straight is usually a cardinal sin for me).

Right then, onto the verdicts: I'll start with the Bombay Sapphire as this was the most pricey and therefore the biggest dissapointment. In terms of taste, it came across in the G&T as a bit weak, a bit soft and almost milky in texture. There was no real connection between the botanicals and the tonic. As such, I was left underwhelmed. Onto the martini and it was passible. Not particularly good, but, again, smooth, not at all harsh on the tongue and fairly reasonable as drinks go. Straight it was... well, a waste of gin.

Next; Tanqueray, a gin I had heard nothing but praises for. Again though I was slightly underwhelmed by the G&T. It was definately better than the Bombay G&T, with a more complex feel, however it still lacked a bite. It did impress as a martini. Although it was certainly stronger on the palet than the Bombay had been, it was nethertheless a silver bullet at its near best. Straight it was... like the martini, but harder to consume... After trying it straight I went back to have another one with tonic and decided that I'd been too harsh the first time round. It was a more complex drink, and although the aforementioned 'bite' was lacking it was still something that was easy to consume and certainly growing on me with every sip, indeed, as a G&T it was very sippable and something which really demanded time and care with its consumption to truly appreciate.

Half way there, onto Plymouth. This truly was simply and distictively average. Again, considering it was more costly than the Tanqueray I was expecting something resembling quality, but it really was a mild, moderate mediocrity. Not for a second exciting, sort of like the Bombay but without the soft texture. In a martini it had its strengths, but the taste of it straight made me want to have nothing more to do with it.

And so finally onto Gordon's. Cheapest, most mocked and yet a personal favourite of mine. In a G&T it contains something that connects with the tonic in a way that perhaps only Tanqueray does as well, except the 'cheapness' and inferior quality of the Gordon's give it just that extra bite that I felt was missing from the Tanqueray. This 'inferiority' is most obvious when the gin is exposed to a martini - which it frankly kills. And straight is just the biggest waste I can imagine... after Thatcher's squandering of north sea oil.

To conclude, I have to give my approval to Gordon's and Tanqueray. Comparatively cheap yet both offering quality G&Ts - just slightly different types. In martinis the Tanqueray excels - just remember to keep it in check with vermouth - although I would never have Gordon's anywhere outside of a Tonic environment. Bombay had it's merits - a smooth texture and a high alcohol content - but ultimately seems like more show than quality to me, with it's fancy blue bottle and high price tag. The Plymouth meanwhile, whilst not bad, didn't seem to offer anything the others didn't already. So, if you like complexity & martinis, go for Tanqueray. If you love G&Ts with a bit of bite, go for Gordon's.

Pourquoi would like to assure readers that he was in no way influenced by any outside means in the making of his decision and that the dozen bottles of Gordon's gin which arrived at his office the other day were simply part of a regular delivery he always receives on a Monday afternoon.

Vogon Poetry
By: Dynasty

Indestructible chickens hatched igloo shaped yo-yos to enthuse helpless Umbrellas, and to inaugurate an ocean of grapes so as to involve doctors. Moons gave blueberries new limbo brooms to eat carrots with. Ponds slack around giant torpedo smiling dolphins for the purpose of purple flowers roaming free in Antarctica. Polyatomic fumes etched marble stockings into badly shaped fungi for the unknown bell hole of increasing yellow candles. Ordinary hats yell at oversized bamboo stitches for eons of lemons. Unabordingly tacos reign in the decimals to capitalize on biscuits and cauliflower. Abnormal Owls scare Opossums into shaking down strawberry jokers for the benevolent Hamburger Card. Into the cave saw a clock timing the uncharted towel of a frequent swim near the old freedom catcher. By three wings the terabyte decided to cry foul at the baseball glove for coloring soccer. Out Randomly in the effort to scare foaming volcanic burritos in the red cube. Penguins over take the central stadium in the red door flag guapoizing the candy seller. Inadvertently the otorhinolaryngological from crossing the immunoelectrophoretically insued rabbit west until nose break. The Caricature realized the Legislature undignified a zebra in the golfing paradise around the ice cube. As such the Parrot sunk away in the dry popsicle Isle near the butter.

Closing:
It’s common to end papers and newsletters with a simple “and that concludes this Issue of the Don’t Panic!” However, I don’t want the Don’t Panic to be just another newsletter. I want it to be something that you all look forward to hearing next month. Therefore, I’d just like to say thanks for reading and being such loyal patrons of our fair service, and see you next edition!

Staff:
Dynasty, Primary Editor In Chief, Columnist, The Referee

Pourquoi, Sub Editor, Primary Columnist, the guy with the key to the Gin Cabinet

Scytale, Sub Editor, Reviewer, the guy with the key to the Vodka Cabinet

rblount27, Interviewer, General of the Vodka Army

Diablofan, Movie Reviewer, General of the Gin Army

Scorn, Hoaxist, Colonel of the Gin Army

TheStig, Secondary Editor In Chief, Colonel of the Vodka Army

Shamshir, Reviewer, The Secretary General of the United Liquor Cabinets

Special Thanks to: Jadoo1989